"I wasn't ready to be a millionaire, I was ill prepared.
I was prepared to be ill though, the skill was there"
Mental illness runs like an artery through my family. Mum's and Dad's. (Thanks guys!)
Don't get me wrong, we don't all gather and sit in the corner rocking backwards and forwards at family occasions... But it's been a prevalent part of our lives at one time or another. And we all know to call out for help when it's needed because we all know what it's like. I have the most amazing friends and family. Truly. Some friends I speak to every day, some I don't speak to for months. But I know they are all there for me whenever I need them.
But when you're at the absolute peak of the blackness, there is nobody who can help you.
It's like constantly being told you're not good enough or not worth anything at every minute of the day. But you know it's not true because you have people who love you and who care, but the same voice that tells you these things, is screaming even louder that there is no point to anything. There is no point to waking up because everything is worthless anyway.
It's an empty pit in the deepest part of your soul that sucks the smallest amount of joy from anything that presents itself in your life.
It's needing to take a huge deep breath to nourish yourself but the oxygen does nothing.
The pain of full blown depression is horrific. Give me physical pain over a mental illness any day. Nobody can see mental illness, so they just think you're being lazy or rude when you don't respond to their calls. But the truth is you just can't.You literally do not see the point to doing anything but laying in bed all day every day.
I started to feel the beginning of this and decided to change my medication. I knew that it wasn't doing it's job any more. So after much begging my doctor, she changed me onto a stronger type of medication that has wild success in a tonne of people. Even a member of my family takes it and says how amazing it is.
I thought that this was the way forward and I would be back to my positive, happy self within a couple of weeks.
Me and Jamie 'split up' three times in one week. In my broken state I was convinced that Jamie was making me unhappy and we shouldn't be together. Everything, and I mean everything, Jamie did was wrong. He must have been in hell. It took me four weeks of this torture to realise my medication wasn't working. I barely got out of bed in the morning, let alone getting dressed. I felt empty. That's best way I can describe it.
Not only that, but my weight loss had stalled because I have no restriction from my eating. So naturally I was eating anything I could get my hands on. I went back to my doctor three times and explained to them that these meds were simply not working. They kept telling me to wait a week and come back. In the end I refused to be fobbed off and told them I needed to change because my family couldn't take any more of my horrible personality.
Two weeks of different medication and I am now typing this with my nails painted, make up on and my hair done. I feel happy and content.
I don't know how Jamie put up with me. I don't know why he put up with me. But I do know that he is the person I hope to be when I am well.
I am writing this post because I want those who don't understand depression to know that it is so real. It is just as real as any other illness that you need medication to help make better. It is not an illness that will go away with 'a positive mental state'. It hurts.
And for those who are suffering right now, those who are empty inside and feel like there is no way out of the tunnel of black, please get help. Please ask for help. Nobody deserves to feel empty.
Oh and Jamie...
Thank you for being the strongest man I know. I love you.
Besides... Who could be sad with these beautiful beings to wake up to every day ?
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